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X Morons

As I do not have a job to go to for a while I figured I would turn in my monthly blog. I figured that since our self worth should be based on the stockmarket ticker number that we have all been feeling pretty worthless lately. Yesterday was particularly bad, there was a decrease of over 700 points. In light of this I decided to make everyone feel a little better about themselves by writing about a group of misfits that should make everyone feel like there is someone out there a little worst off than we are. Of course I am speaking of the ridiculous X-men (for some reason the comic book got the original Polish translation wrong and called them the incredible X-men- common mistake- they are definitely the RIDICULOUS X-men!)

Best of the best, or rather should I say dumbest of the dumb is Cyclops- first off what a dumb name for a guy with TWO eyes!!! For those of you who aren't familiar with the X-men Cyclops is a guy with TWO eyes who shoots laser beams out of his eyes when he opens them. This ridiculous power is controlled by a special set of glasses that he wears. The recent movies have shown that he can wear some special sunglasses made of this stuff when he is in public. My question is why they don't just make his glasses into contacts? Interestingly enough, he would be quite normal with a set of special contacts, you know . . . made from the same stuff that the glasses are made out of. Despite this simple solution to the problem he still goes by that ridiculous name and continues to wear those stupid glasses when he gets into a fight.

Second on the list is Storm. I must say that for someone with such a cool power she certainly doesn't know how to use it. There are plently of famines and draughts throughout the world, yet she tends to focus her powers on a little problems. And this is not to mention . . . she didn't stop Katrina? Supposedly she can control the weather. So, why did she allow Katrina and Ike to destroy New Orleans and the Texas? I think we should all stop blaming President Bush and FEMA and whoever else for out problems and start blaming the X-men, who are the cause-of and solution-to all the world's problems.

Wolverine has one of the most enviable powers: super healing. Amazingly, his powers are transferred to his pants but not his shirt. In the latest X-men movie (for those of you unfortunate enough to see it), while trying to get close to the super destructive Phoenix he has flesh ripped from his body, all the while his pants remain intact. AMAZING!!!! I want a pair of indestructible pants too! They are even stronger than his skin. It also seems that the X-men's powers get so much more ridiculous as the movies progress. The first movie (fairly entertaining) included the X-men getting beat up and some dying, and even the main characters get hurt or are vulnerable to normal threats . . . by the third movie they are making the Golden Gate bridge fly around . . . ridiculous.

Who can forget Professor X? He has enough power to stop all the non-mutants from moving why doesn't he use his power to stop the non-mutants whilst he and his mutants do their thing? He is retarded, he should use his mind powers to make his legs work, and maybe grow some hair for his bald head. Actually I think Obama is trying to be Xavier, he's got the bald head thing and leads a bunch of misfits around in a vain attempt to same the planet from their own kind. Besides, I think it looks like the professor is driving around a bumper car from an amusement park. Absolutely ridiculous! There you are folks the Ridiculous X-men!

Who is the Incredible Hulk?

So, a few months ago Jen and I decided to go see the newest Hulk movie. Admittedly I was entertained. It was full of action and story and featured the guy from American History X (I don't recommend this movie- it made me feel aweful after I saw it on TV) and a movie with Brad Pitt called Fight Club. He hides out on Brazil somewhere and the US government can't find him. The US government found Saddam Hussein and they have found loads of other terrorists, the only person they haven't found has been Osama, but hey they might elect a president named Obama (just one letter off!!!). I digress . . .
So, watching this movie I began to wonder about the origins of the Hulk. I think the movie got it all wrong. They seem to blame the Hulk's incredible power and green color to some radiation he was exposed to while doing research for the government. This is bull crap! In my line of work I see patients with radiation treatment and some crazy chemical treatment, I have NEVER seen a patient get stronger because they were undergoing radiation therapy and never have I seen a patient's skin change a green color like that after radiation therapy. So, in light of the fact that the movies have been lying to us I have decided to give a few explanations of the Hulk's origins.

First Theory- The Hulk was born that way! The hulk is obviously a very large individual and so logically he would have been a very large child/baby. The hulk has a difficult time controlling his anger which points to a difficult and troubled childhood. Perhaps the Hulk was made fun of during childhood for his size? While there is no race that conforms to the green skin and black hair of the Hulk I propose that the green skin is actually a detail that the movie makers got wrong too, in addition to the Hulk's origin. The Hulk really could be of any race, I will not venture a guess at his race. All we know is that the Hulk was a very large child who was made fun of- and from this we can deduce that he was a very fat child.

Second Theory- Given that the first theory was pretty good, we'll stick to that premise. As the Hulk got older he began to replace his fat rolls with muscle. Naturally, given his size, he dabbled in steroids or at the very least was INVOLVED in the NFL. As for his whereabouts while this was taking place, who knows, he probably lived in a gymn, or served time in one of our luxurious state penetentaries with full gymns.

Third Theory- the first two theories are pretty solid and so all I can do is to add to them. Given that the Hulk's outbursts come every so often and seem to be on a cycle I would say that the Hulk is actually a woman (hold on there- women everywhere I respect you- all I am saying is that Hulk seems to be a little emotional at times- and he is a girl)!
Given the above theories I would have to conclude that the Hulk is alive and well in our society. While I cannot identify the Hulk with certainty I have narrowed it down to a few candidates. Please vote for your favorite.

Soup or Man?

As I was sitting on a plane, coming back from a country where you can't drink the water for fear of diarrhea and parasites I was thinking about my vulnerabilities as a mortal human being. As it turns out I got sick at the end of my trip and I was pondering the frailty of the human body. The idea of invulnerability came to my mind and naturally Superman did as well. As I pondered on Superman I watched the in-flight movie next to my pal Darrell. I thought of how much easier my life would be if I were superman.
To start with, I could fly without an airplane. This would be very handy as it would save me both time and money, not to mention the 2 or three trips I had to make to the San Pedro Sula airport bathroom (something I really did not enjoy and tried to avoid at all costs). This would be great but honestly, you'd have to have impeccable direction. I can tell which direction is north, and with direction is south, but if you asked me to point directly to my apartment in Louisville I would have a heck of a time. I would end up flying around for hours just trying to find the right city. Airplanes have compasses and I'm willing to pay them a bit extra for the in flight snack and beverage if they can fly me straight home!
I then began thinking about having super-strength. This would indeed be cool, but Superman needs the sun's in order to have his incredible power- we learned this from Superman MXVIII. How crappy would that be? If there was a volcano that blocked the sun or if you needed your strength on a day with a full solar eclipse you'd be up crap-creek without a paddle. I think I'll stick with my dependable, yet somewhat weaker strength. Besides, I asked myself what I'd do with my super strength . . . I came to the conclusion that I would just be an overgrown vandal- picking up cars (which no doubt damages them), smashing stuff, throwing big stuff really far, tearing up truck tires, and tieing pipes in knots!
At this point superman didn't look so super to me. He claims to be invulnerable, but we see this isn't so. Kryptonite, if it is a green color makes him really sick. He just has to be around it. Lead seems to protect him from the green kryptonite, which made me wonder about Superman's brains . . . if he has any . . . why doesn't he make his suit out of lead? If I can wear a lead vest at work all day I think so-called superman would be able to as well. So, I have begun to question both his intelligence and his powers. The red kryptonite makes him bad . . . yeah whatever . . . I've heard too many excuses before in my life to believe that. Blaming your actions on a rock is a new low! Take responsibility Superman, suck it up and be a man about it. . . . uuuhh uhhh it wasn't me . . . . it was that red rock over there, ya, IT made me do it! (Rubbish!)

The other thing that makes me question Dumb-man's intellectual ability is his choice in disguises. He thinks that by putting on a pair of glasses he has sufficiently hidden his face? I don't think ANY of the audience watching was confused when he took of his glasses . . . "hey, where did that guy with glasses go? And how did this new guy get here? Dang! What the . . .??? Where did Clark go?" But the funny thing is that like all of the other retarded super heros, superman tends to associate with people dumber than he is- enhancing the illusion of his super powers- Lois Lane, all of the people at the Daily Planet, Jimmy (who is a photographer and is supposed to be visually observant) and everyone else in Metropolis. I am honestly beginning to wonder if Metropolis is just the name of the mental home where all these people live.

I then began to think about his not-so-great powers. He can freeze stuff with his icy cold breath. I bet that comes in handy at parties where the host doesn't have any ice. Other than that why would you need this? In one movie he uses it to put out a fire. The fire was so small that the fire department could have put it out in the same amount of time with one hose. Besides, I've always been told that wind feeds/fuels the flames rather than puts them out. X-ray vision is only good for one thing . . . being a pervert! And it just so happens that is exactly what superman uses it for . . . to look under people's clothes. Superman needs to learn some privacy and respect!
The last two powers that Superman has are by far the dumbest! I'll start with his laser vision. I can count on NO hands how many times I've though to myself, “hey, if only I had laser vision I could totally solve this problem.” Honestly, what does he use this for? He uses it to heat up the guns of bad guys, but that is the dumbest thing in the world, if he can travel so fast and is bulletproof why does he need to do that? Laser vision!!! Honestly, and all you need is a mirror to beat it!
Last but not least is superman's retarded ability to fly really fast around the world so fast that it makes the world turn backwards (somehow- in the writers' retarded pea-sized minds) would reverse time as well as the rotation of the earth. He then proceeded to save Lois Lane from a really slow and small landslide that she could have easily escaped from- survival of the fittest Superman!!! She is too dumb to live!

So, I just sat back in my airplane chair and enjoyed the breakfast omlete they were serving, watched some superhero movie where the superpowers are more realistic- one of them has the ability to be invisible- but only when noone is looking! Fanastic! Darrel was off picking up on women on the plane while I enjoyed my flight home!

Spiderman is a Chump!

Spiderman, what a fool! I think his dumbest power is his so-called "Spider Sense" where he can "sense" when danger is coming. If this power were so cool he would never get punched, yet each and every one of these new Spiderman movies Tobey McGuire gets his butt kicked, multiple times! So much for that crappy Spidey-sense!

Climb walls, why not take the stairs, you's look like less of a freak.

And what is with hiding on the ceiling? Honestly, if I walked into a room and there was a 170lb spider on the ceiling I think I would notice! I sometimes notice the ones that weigh less than 1 gram- and those spiders aren't dressed in a bright red outfit dripping blood all over the place! Honestly!

I also wanted to address his so-called ability to swing through the streets on his web ropes! First, they make it appear that he swings in a straight line through the street while swinging from one web at a time. If he was swinging from a web attached to a building on his right he would swing to the right! Same for the left. Now, if he attached his web to a building far enough in front of him he could theoretically swing in a "somewhat" straight line, BUT in order for this to happen he would be swinging on a web so long that he would crash into the ground. (See diagram)

Another thing I have noticed is his ability to catch a grenade with his web and fling it back at his opponent. This was really cool . . . IF IT WAS POSSIBLE! Web is sticky, and if he caught it using sticky web it is likely to keep sticking to it. But nope; it somehow magically stays stuck just until he needs it to release. I think this a conspiracy to make people believe Spiderman has superpowers when he really doesn't. It just doesn't add up.

Working in a hospital I have seen some mean ol spider bites. Brown Recluse and Black Widow bites, but NOT ONCE have I seen these patient's have any super powers other than their super ability to annoy the heck out of their family members with their incessant whining! Coming from a medical standpoint a genetically engineered animal cannot pass on its genetically engineered DNA to anyone or anything except its own offspring. Spiderboy is faking it! What a sucker! He is completely delusional! He has no super powers! Honestly, if he really had super powers why would he date this (yes folks this is Kirsten Dunst-aka Mary Jane Watson).