Soup or Man?

As I was sitting on a plane, coming back from a country where you can't drink the water for fear of diarrhea and parasites I was thinking about my vulnerabilities as a mortal human being. As it turns out I got sick at the end of my trip and I was pondering the frailty of the human body. The idea of invulnerability came to my mind and naturally Superman did as well. As I pondered on Superman I watched the in-flight movie next to my pal Darrell. I thought of how much easier my life would be if I were superman.
To start with, I could fly without an airplane. This would be very handy as it would save me both time and money, not to mention the 2 or three trips I had to make to the San Pedro Sula airport bathroom (something I really did not enjoy and tried to avoid at all costs). This would be great but honestly, you'd have to have impeccable direction. I can tell which direction is north, and with direction is south, but if you asked me to point directly to my apartment in Louisville I would have a heck of a time. I would end up flying around for hours just trying to find the right city. Airplanes have compasses and I'm willing to pay them a bit extra for the in flight snack and beverage if they can fly me straight home!
I then began thinking about having super-strength. This would indeed be cool, but Superman needs the sun's in order to have his incredible power- we learned this from Superman MXVIII. How crappy would that be? If there was a volcano that blocked the sun or if you needed your strength on a day with a full solar eclipse you'd be up crap-creek without a paddle. I think I'll stick with my dependable, yet somewhat weaker strength. Besides, I asked myself what I'd do with my super strength . . . I came to the conclusion that I would just be an overgrown vandal- picking up cars (which no doubt damages them), smashing stuff, throwing big stuff really far, tearing up truck tires, and tieing pipes in knots!
At this point superman didn't look so super to me. He claims to be invulnerable, but we see this isn't so. Kryptonite, if it is a green color makes him really sick. He just has to be around it. Lead seems to protect him from the green kryptonite, which made me wonder about Superman's brains . . . if he has any . . . why doesn't he make his suit out of lead? If I can wear a lead vest at work all day I think so-called superman would be able to as well. So, I have begun to question both his intelligence and his powers. The red kryptonite makes him bad . . . yeah whatever . . . I've heard too many excuses before in my life to believe that. Blaming your actions on a rock is a new low! Take responsibility Superman, suck it up and be a man about it. . . . uuuhh uhhh it wasn't me . . . . it was that red rock over there, ya, IT made me do it! (Rubbish!)

The other thing that makes me question Dumb-man's intellectual ability is his choice in disguises. He thinks that by putting on a pair of glasses he has sufficiently hidden his face? I don't think ANY of the audience watching was confused when he took of his glasses . . . "hey, where did that guy with glasses go? And how did this new guy get here? Dang! What the . . .??? Where did Clark go?" But the funny thing is that like all of the other retarded super heros, superman tends to associate with people dumber than he is- enhancing the illusion of his super powers- Lois Lane, all of the people at the Daily Planet, Jimmy (who is a photographer and is supposed to be visually observant) and everyone else in Metropolis. I am honestly beginning to wonder if Metropolis is just the name of the mental home where all these people live.

I then began to think about his not-so-great powers. He can freeze stuff with his icy cold breath. I bet that comes in handy at parties where the host doesn't have any ice. Other than that why would you need this? In one movie he uses it to put out a fire. The fire was so small that the fire department could have put it out in the same amount of time with one hose. Besides, I've always been told that wind feeds/fuels the flames rather than puts them out. X-ray vision is only good for one thing . . . being a pervert! And it just so happens that is exactly what superman uses it for . . . to look under people's clothes. Superman needs to learn some privacy and respect!
The last two powers that Superman has are by far the dumbest! I'll start with his laser vision. I can count on NO hands how many times I've though to myself, “hey, if only I had laser vision I could totally solve this problem.” Honestly, what does he use this for? He uses it to heat up the guns of bad guys, but that is the dumbest thing in the world, if he can travel so fast and is bulletproof why does he need to do that? Laser vision!!! Honestly, and all you need is a mirror to beat it!
Last but not least is superman's retarded ability to fly really fast around the world so fast that it makes the world turn backwards (somehow- in the writers' retarded pea-sized minds) would reverse time as well as the rotation of the earth. He then proceeded to save Lois Lane from a really slow and small landslide that she could have easily escaped from- survival of the fittest Superman!!! She is too dumb to live!

So, I just sat back in my airplane chair and enjoyed the breakfast omlete they were serving, watched some superhero movie where the superpowers are more realistic- one of them has the ability to be invisible- but only when noone is looking! Fanastic! Darrel was off picking up on women on the plane while I enjoyed my flight home!