Jimmy Bond

So, James Bond . . . there are so many things I can say. Lets start with what is wrong with Jimmy boy! Despite all the attempts to make him into a super action star I just can't buy into it. The bad guys he faces are all "bloody idiots" as Jimmy himself would put it. These evil villains keep spilling their evil plans to Jimbo when they have him captive and could easily kill him. They then put Jamey into some deathmachine that seems suspectfully easy to escape from. It then comes as no surprise that the employees of these villains are as mentally challenged or more so than their bosses. These so-called super-villains that James faces are piss-poor examples of what a real villain would be. They build big bubble domes in the middle of the ocean. They have stealth boats or spend their money on ice-castles instead of doing something really villain-like with their money. Why don´t they just buy Weapons of Mass Destruction or at least bribe politicians to get what they want? I mean come on!!!! There are much simpler ways to accomplish what these bad guys are after. They really are mentally retarded! It comes as no surpirse that an old geezer James Bond can defeat them in a game of whits and who can gum the most women . . . which brings me to my next point.

Now, this guy is getting older and he keeps sleeping with younger and younger women. . . much like Whinny the Pooh! What it is that women see in this guy beats me. Take a look him (see included pictures). As you can see they didn't pick Sean Connery up from just anywhere, apparently he was a member of a traveling circus. And from the appearance of things Pierce Brosnan was picked up from an AA meeting! All of the James Bonds are just alike. From a medical standpoint sleeping with so many women for so long has very likely landed Jimmy with a nice case of syphilis- the bacteria called Treponemia pallidum can go unnoticed or at least ignored. It then comes back occasionally to create a stir just like the James Bond movies do every few years or so. After many repeated episodes the bacteria (or James Bond movie) finally sets in on its final target the nerves and blood vessels around the spinal cord, brain, and heart. This has caused both James Bond and his fans to react irrationally. 007 often acts as though he has nothing to lose. Which may actually be true. It wouldn't be impossible with number of times he has been injected with toxin by his enemy or the number of women he has slept with to have been infected with the HIV virus. HIV in its later stages can cause a dementia (if you think I´m exagerating here take a look again at the pictures). He may not have long to live anyway, and maybe he has decided that fighting with retards is a good way to end his life.

Then there comes what Jimmy will have to face after he dies. He has broken almost every rule in the Bible and every other known code of ethical conduct that I know of. It is likely that his drinking, killing, and having extramarital affairs with married and unmarried women will likely land him a nice hot boiling pot of water when he finally succumbs to the "clap!" (Chlamydia in an AIDS patient can be deadly).

I have had enough of society holding James Bond on a pedestal. He is nothing more than a mad man on a mission to beat up retards and seduce drunk and desparate women. Take a good look at your hero folks. He won't be around forever! But hey, I do like the Sombrero and the Mustach!

Airy Potta

Admittedly I've read J.K. Rowlings' Harry Potter series in both English and Spanish, something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, unless of course I develop some sort of cognitive impairment that eliminates the portion of my memory that stores things like: how pig-crap smells, the Spanish word for window-shopping, what Skittles taste like (nasty little candies), the name of my elementary school classmate who got arrested for growing marijuana, and other useless information. It all honesty I was entertained by Rowlings' books. They kept me wanting more, just like when I was younger my friends and I would keep shocking ourselves with some exposed electrical wires . . . just because it was fun. I've actually gained a lot from reading her books in Spanish. I can now talk extensively in Spanish about witches and wizards, goblins and ghosts, and most importantly Harry Potter.

Ironically I started to read the Harry Potter series because of a girl. I say ironically because most men who read Harry Potter are single and have no chance of getting married (or they are already married and are just trying to figure out who their wives are talking about when the Visiting Teachers come over and chat for hours about how Lord Wartremover will kill the Boy Who Lived).

Now, Harry himself isn't anything special. His magic is total phony-balony and I can do the same things he can do, and I don't have to yell out stupid phrases like Stupid-Fact-O, or Pat-On-My-Rump!! Some might say . . . oh yeah, can you fly like Harry???? Stupid question! Harry needs a contraption to fly . . . I can fly too, I have a choice of airplanes, jets, helicopters, hovercraft, hot-air balloons, zeplins, catapults, and spaceships. Harry can fix his glasses with his wand, well I can fix glasses with a screw driver. Harry can cast spells that stop people in their tracks . . . Have you ever heard of a taser-gun? Harry can use his wand like a flashlight! What is so special about a flashlight.

Truth be told Harry Potters world is pretty crappy- you've got staircases that are always changing (I'd get pretty pissed if after climbing several flights of stairs I had to wait for the staircase to spin around again. They don't even have elevators! They have crazy dragons flying around, they can't swim in their only lake for fear of some crazy mermaids, teachers are being killed or trees that kill you if you get too close, and seven years of learning the same ol material! And what occupations do they have when they graduate??? The only one's mentioned are bar tender, policemen, politician, and evil people. Your career choices are completely limited and the only sport they play is Quit-It!

So, here's to you J.K. You have made over a billion dollars selling seven loads of mediocre horse manure covered in magical jelly beans that taste like earwax and puke!

Seven Dorks!

When a doctor walks into a room and sees that there is more than one patient for him to see, he immediately begins to think of ways to get out of the room as fast as he can. One patient is often all he/she can handle. So imagine what was going through my head when I tried to deal with all Seven Dwarves at once! If there has ever been a larger collection of social misfits with mental and medical problems I'd like to see it.

First, all Seven Dwarves have what is called Fragile X Syndrome. This is a syndrome (disease) that is caused by excessive copying of a portion of the person's genetic material. The X chromosome is one of the chromosomes that determines whether or not a person is a male of female. The excessively copied material happens to be on the X chromosome. It just so happens that Fragile X Syndrome almost always happens in males (I say ALMOST because there are rare instances where a female has fragile X syndrome). The excessively copied genes don't behave normally and this causes the person to have several problems, including impaired social function, mental retardation, flat feet, protruding ears, cluttered or nervous speech, and large testicles. It just so happens that all 7 Dwarves have these features. There have been instances where several Fragile X syndrome persons have been found living together, as is the case with our group of mentally challenged persons.

All seven dorks have protruding ears, cluttered speech, and autistic-like social problems. They display a degree of mental retardation too! I mean just look at Dopey- they might as well have called him “Stupid” as Dopey- if he isn't retarded I'll never blog again! Poor ol Sneezy- this guy has seasonal allergies in addition to his other medical problems- he needs some Allegra. Sleepy must have gotten into Doc's medicine cabinet and taken some Valium- it is a sad sight to see a mentally challenged person addicted to drugs, they have a decreased ability to control themselves anyway!
I have no clue what Grumpy's problem is. A bad attitude won't improve your genetic situation! Bashful- I think the writers were really straining to find another adjective when they came up with bashful. They could have called him one of hundreds of adjectives, like “stinky” or “ugly” or “shorty” all of these adjectives end in the “ee” sound. Happy, well I think this guy got off pretty lucky. Either he doesn't realize his genetic/mental state or he just found out he has macro-orchidism (big testicles). Lucky for us this was one thing that Disney couldn't inform us about in their G rated cartoon.

Now, for the last but not least of the Seven Fragile X's . . . DOC! Now, given the fact that he is retarded there is no way on this green planet that he made it all the way through medical school to become a real doctor. Granted, having been through medical school I can say that I have met some people that are not exactly personable, some have even been a little autistic in some ways, but I have never seen a Fragile X syndrome medical student- at least not in an MD program. There may be some foreign medical school that is begging for students. In my opinion he is a Quack'o'practor, and should be sued for practicing without a license. On second thought, he works in a mine, slaving away with a pick, trying to pull crap out of a crater . . . much like a DENTIST would do!!!

I've had enough

Well, I think that's the last straw!!!! Aparently you all have no taste when it comes to superheros (Orlando Bloome isn't much of a superhero- i just stuck him on there as a test for Jenny!!!). The Old-School Batman is 10 times better than the new generation Batman. Adam West could beat up Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Loony-Bin with both hands tied behind his back! You all are crazy! The new Batman doesn't have the cool "Whammm!" "Bang" "Pow" things that the old-school Batman had, and how in the world could you miss his outfit!! It is way better than the new Batman outfit- the old-school Batman didn't need any super body armor suit!!!! . . . . He could dodge bullets!!!!! The new Batmen are wusses in comparison! I am sickened by the way the media has tainted your tastes! And by the results of the poll . . . I think Jenny was distracted by the only non-super hero on the list!!!

Bipolar Bat

So, since my last blog I have decided to talk about one of my favorite superheros. I want to say that I think it is incredible that these heros accomplish what they accomplish despite their mental disorders. So, without further ado I give you . . . Batman!

Now, batman is quite the character. He had a tough childhood and witnessed his parents' deaths leaving him an orphan; which must have left him with some mental scars. Some blame Bruce Wayne's future actions on these mental scars, but as I will show you Bruce Wayne's actions are better accounted for, not by his hatred of crime, but rather by a brain chemical imbalance causing a servere case of Bipolar disorder.

Bruce Wayne, or Batman as we will call him, runs the family business during the day and at night he runs around looking for trouble. He tries to find the thugs with guns or the villain with some super crazy weapon. Batman claims that he does this to end crime, when in fact he is doing this for the adrenaline rush, which is considered a risky or dangerous behavior (in the medical community we call this risky psychomotor aggitation), very common among people with bipolar disorder. Very well you might say, not everyone who participates in risky behavior has bipolar . . . true, but let me continue. The fact that he stays up all night and has a decreased need for sleep is a dead giveaway that Batman is bipolar. There is a mountain of evidence that Batman is bipolar; for example, he sleeps with who knows how many women, every batman movie I've seen he is with a different woman- this is called sexual indiscretion. He tends to spend excessively large sums on strange but goal oriented projects such as the Batmobile, the Batplane, the Bat-helicopter, shark repellent (yes folks, he really did use Batman brand shark repellent in the old school movie). And he definitely has in increased self-esteem. These are the classic signs of bipolar disorder. He is clearly not stable mentally. It would be for the good of society to lock Batman up . . . or at least after he has made a couple more movies . . . that last one was pretty good.