Spiderman is a Chump!

Spiderman, what a fool! I think his dumbest power is his so-called "Spider Sense" where he can "sense" when danger is coming. If this power were so cool he would never get punched, yet each and every one of these new Spiderman movies Tobey McGuire gets his butt kicked, multiple times! So much for that crappy Spidey-sense!

Climb walls, why not take the stairs, you's look like less of a freak.

And what is with hiding on the ceiling? Honestly, if I walked into a room and there was a 170lb spider on the ceiling I think I would notice! I sometimes notice the ones that weigh less than 1 gram- and those spiders aren't dressed in a bright red outfit dripping blood all over the place! Honestly!

I also wanted to address his so-called ability to swing through the streets on his web ropes! First, they make it appear that he swings in a straight line through the street while swinging from one web at a time. If he was swinging from a web attached to a building on his right he would swing to the right! Same for the left. Now, if he attached his web to a building far enough in front of him he could theoretically swing in a "somewhat" straight line, BUT in order for this to happen he would be swinging on a web so long that he would crash into the ground. (See diagram)

Another thing I have noticed is his ability to catch a grenade with his web and fling it back at his opponent. This was really cool . . . IF IT WAS POSSIBLE! Web is sticky, and if he caught it using sticky web it is likely to keep sticking to it. But nope; it somehow magically stays stuck just until he needs it to release. I think this a conspiracy to make people believe Spiderman has superpowers when he really doesn't. It just doesn't add up.

Working in a hospital I have seen some mean ol spider bites. Brown Recluse and Black Widow bites, but NOT ONCE have I seen these patient's have any super powers other than their super ability to annoy the heck out of their family members with their incessant whining! Coming from a medical standpoint a genetically engineered animal cannot pass on its genetically engineered DNA to anyone or anything except its own offspring. Spiderboy is faking it! What a sucker! He is completely delusional! He has no super powers! Honestly, if he really had super powers why would he date this (yes folks this is Kirsten Dunst-aka Mary Jane Watson).

Jimmy Bond

So, James Bond . . . there are so many things I can say. Lets start with what is wrong with Jimmy boy! Despite all the attempts to make him into a super action star I just can't buy into it. The bad guys he faces are all "bloody idiots" as Jimmy himself would put it. These evil villains keep spilling their evil plans to Jimbo when they have him captive and could easily kill him. They then put Jamey into some deathmachine that seems suspectfully easy to escape from. It then comes as no surprise that the employees of these villains are as mentally challenged or more so than their bosses. These so-called super-villains that James faces are piss-poor examples of what a real villain would be. They build big bubble domes in the middle of the ocean. They have stealth boats or spend their money on ice-castles instead of doing something really villain-like with their money. Why don´t they just buy Weapons of Mass Destruction or at least bribe politicians to get what they want? I mean come on!!!! There are much simpler ways to accomplish what these bad guys are after. They really are mentally retarded! It comes as no surpirse that an old geezer James Bond can defeat them in a game of whits and who can gum the most women . . . which brings me to my next point.

Now, this guy is getting older and he keeps sleeping with younger and younger women. . . much like Whinny the Pooh! What it is that women see in this guy beats me. Take a look him (see included pictures). As you can see they didn't pick Sean Connery up from just anywhere, apparently he was a member of a traveling circus. And from the appearance of things Pierce Brosnan was picked up from an AA meeting! All of the James Bonds are just alike. From a medical standpoint sleeping with so many women for so long has very likely landed Jimmy with a nice case of syphilis- the bacteria called Treponemia pallidum can go unnoticed or at least ignored. It then comes back occasionally to create a stir just like the James Bond movies do every few years or so. After many repeated episodes the bacteria (or James Bond movie) finally sets in on its final target the nerves and blood vessels around the spinal cord, brain, and heart. This has caused both James Bond and his fans to react irrationally. 007 often acts as though he has nothing to lose. Which may actually be true. It wouldn't be impossible with number of times he has been injected with toxin by his enemy or the number of women he has slept with to have been infected with the HIV virus. HIV in its later stages can cause a dementia (if you think I´m exagerating here take a look again at the pictures). He may not have long to live anyway, and maybe he has decided that fighting with retards is a good way to end his life.

Then there comes what Jimmy will have to face after he dies. He has broken almost every rule in the Bible and every other known code of ethical conduct that I know of. It is likely that his drinking, killing, and having extramarital affairs with married and unmarried women will likely land him a nice hot boiling pot of water when he finally succumbs to the "clap!" (Chlamydia in an AIDS patient can be deadly).

I have had enough of society holding James Bond on a pedestal. He is nothing more than a mad man on a mission to beat up retards and seduce drunk and desparate women. Take a good look at your hero folks. He won't be around forever! But hey, I do like the Sombrero and the Mustach!