Who is the Incredible Hulk?

So, a few months ago Jen and I decided to go see the newest Hulk movie. Admittedly I was entertained. It was full of action and story and featured the guy from American History X (I don't recommend this movie- it made me feel aweful after I saw it on TV) and a movie with Brad Pitt called Fight Club. He hides out on Brazil somewhere and the US government can't find him. The US government found Saddam Hussein and they have found loads of other terrorists, the only person they haven't found has been Osama, but hey they might elect a president named Obama (just one letter off!!!). I digress . . .
So, watching this movie I began to wonder about the origins of the Hulk. I think the movie got it all wrong. They seem to blame the Hulk's incredible power and green color to some radiation he was exposed to while doing research for the government. This is bull crap! In my line of work I see patients with radiation treatment and some crazy chemical treatment, I have NEVER seen a patient get stronger because they were undergoing radiation therapy and never have I seen a patient's skin change a green color like that after radiation therapy. So, in light of the fact that the movies have been lying to us I have decided to give a few explanations of the Hulk's origins.

First Theory- The Hulk was born that way! The hulk is obviously a very large individual and so logically he would have been a very large child/baby. The hulk has a difficult time controlling his anger which points to a difficult and troubled childhood. Perhaps the Hulk was made fun of during childhood for his size? While there is no race that conforms to the green skin and black hair of the Hulk I propose that the green skin is actually a detail that the movie makers got wrong too, in addition to the Hulk's origin. The Hulk really could be of any race, I will not venture a guess at his race. All we know is that the Hulk was a very large child who was made fun of- and from this we can deduce that he was a very fat child.

Second Theory- Given that the first theory was pretty good, we'll stick to that premise. As the Hulk got older he began to replace his fat rolls with muscle. Naturally, given his size, he dabbled in steroids or at the very least was INVOLVED in the NFL. As for his whereabouts while this was taking place, who knows, he probably lived in a gymn, or served time in one of our luxurious state penetentaries with full gymns.

Third Theory- the first two theories are pretty solid and so all I can do is to add to them. Given that the Hulk's outbursts come every so often and seem to be on a cycle I would say that the Hulk is actually a woman (hold on there- women everywhere I respect you- all I am saying is that Hulk seems to be a little emotional at times- and he is a girl)!
Given the above theories I would have to conclude that the Hulk is alive and well in our society. While I cannot identify the Hulk with certainty I have narrowed it down to a few candidates. Please vote for your favorite.